My Brother-in-Law Died Today


This Crowded House song, one of my all-time favorites, is for my brother-in-law of seventeen years. He died at his home earlier this morning, surrounded by his family. He was too young to go. He’ll never hold his first grandchild.

My husband is in shock, as are my children. And me.Β 

I dedicate the Crowded House song “How Will You Go”, one of my all-time favorite songs, to Don.


“How Will You Go”

written by Neil and Tim Finn,Β performed by Crowded House

Escape is on your mind again
Escape to a far away land
At times it seems there is no end
To long, hard nights of drinking
How will you go?
How will you go?
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up
Cover it up
I’ll find you a shelter to sleep in
I fell over on the couch again
But you know not all sleep is wasted
The dreams are alcohol inspired
I can’t find a better way to face itHow will you go?
How will you go?
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up
Cover it up
I’ll find you a shelter to sleep in

And you know I’ll be fine
Just don’t ask me how it’s going
Gimme time, gimme time
‘Cause I want you to see
‘Round the world, ’round the world
Is a tangled up necklace of pearls

How will you go?
How will you go?
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up
Cover it up
I’ll find you a shelter to sleep in

How will you go?
How will you go?
Drive through the wind and the rain
Cover it up
Cover it up
I’ll find you a shelter to sleep in










75 thoughts on “My Brother-in-Law Died Today

  1. Oh DyDy! I can’t hit the “Like” button because this is not a likeable thing. I am so sorry. So, so sorry. Please let me know how I can support you. BIG HUGS!!!

    • My awesome friend, I’m so glad you’re back – I read your last post about your new, wonderful-sounding digs & I promise to comment & not just “like”! In the meantime, I truly adore you!!!! God, I’ve missed you – you can support me by posting a shitload about your life, sweet cheeks! πŸ˜‰ XOXOXOXO

  2. My deepest sympathy to all of you. My dad died at the same age. I know how you feel-way too young! My thoughts are with you. Love , Lanie

  3. So sorry, Dyane. Tragic that you and Craig lost a family member. Alcoholism is a terrible disease, as you know. Fuck alcohol for taking the life of a loved one. Craig, you, and Craig’s extended family are in my thoughts and prayers.

    • I love you, Kitt! I know you’d understand this awfulness for many reasons; you too lost your brother-in-law not so long ago.

      After watching alcoholism kill Craig’s Mom and now Don, her son,l I truly regard alcoholism as such an evil, insidious illness.

      My psychiatrist an addictions expert for the past 30 years, said that if there are two parents who are alcoholic, then the kids each have a 70% chance of having that same disease.

      I’m so, so glad I gave the shit up and that Craig did too. Losing two family members in the same generation from alcoholism is enough! We tried to help him, but it didn’t work out….there’s only so much one can do sometimes. You cannot force someone into rehab…although one can 5150 someone if she’s a danger to herself and others….hmmmmm.

      • Challenging, yes. But, as you know, it is an insidious illness. I can very much feel alcoholism in me. That’s why I drink very, very little – very, very infrequently. Totally genetic.

      • I’m very, very grateful I’m on the MAOI Parnate – my psychiatrist told me that it’s as if I’m taking Antabuse, which describes as “used in certain people with chronic alcoholism. This medicine can help keep you from drinking because of the unpleasant side effects that will occur ” – for me the unpleasant side effects include stroke and possibly death – so my MAOI gave me the strength to stop drinking alcohol cold-turkey and I was very lucky in that respect. I’m so glad you rarely drink! I know it’s not easy sometimes to refrain from “just one more” – believe me, I know. XoXo

  4. Oh, Dyane, I’m so sorry. Such a painful experience. Praying God’s peace and comfort embraces your entire extended family, with special protection for you, Craig and the children. ❀

    • Bless you, beautiful Susan! Your words of wisdom and love have always lifted me up. Thanks from the depths of my heart for your support!

    • Thank you so much, Laura! Even though I’m technically agnostic (as you know) I fully believe in the power of prayer. I also believe that Don’s in Heaven and he’s at peace. Thanks again, my dear. You’re comment brings me comfort!

  5. Wishing you strength in this difficult time. Death is never easy and we never can quite prepare for its coming- no matter the circumstances.

    Dy, praying for you and hubby and the kids. I know it’s going to be rough.

    Love you dearly.

    • Thank you honey! I meant to thank you yesterday but got caught up in everything – I felt really good that you took time to check in both here and on Twitter; you’re a true friend!!! People like you are so rare – you’re a good, kind, caring (and sensitive!!!! πŸ˜‰ woman, and I wish you lived here. I need some Yve’s in my neighborhood!!! At least the original! XOXOOXOXO to you

    • Thanks so much, dear Blah – I’ve loved that song for over 20 years but I only came to truly understand the lyrics (firsthand and secondhand) over the past few years. At least I was naive until recently, eh?

      I’m sending you a big hug. Lucy barks softly hello in between chewing on her latest chewie that her ridiculous human got her – it’s so gross-sounding; even worse than a pig’s ear, but apparently these dog treats are now the rage: an all-natural, Aussie trachea. YUM! She ***loves*** it!

      • The trachea of an actual Australian? Fantastic, the most exciting dog treat I’ve ever seen in this country is ostrich windpipes.

        Hugs back and thanks for making me go all TWENTY YEARS!?!? We’re ancient, mate.

        Strongs for your grief and for Craig’s too. I lost a brother too young too and it’s so fucking unjust.

      • LOL!!!! Would that be bizarre or what – for some reason the movie “Soylent Green” comes to mind (that film had a major influence upon me!!!! HUGE!!!) i.e. A la Soylent Green’s deception theme, this “natural” hippie granola Aussie trachea company isn’t using the tracheas of dead cows or pigs, or even exotic ostriches, or peacocks (gadzooks!!!) but BLOODY HUMANS!!!! And yeah – we’re ancient, but I still feel like I’m 14 in mind. Not in (saggy) body.

      • I’m cracking up. In a a good way! She’ll probably also start calling out “G’day mate!” and demand a few cans of shitty beer. I’ll blast Men At Work on Pandora.

      • Think I saw them at Glastonbury. Not sure though, might have been the time I saw Midnight Oil. Eh who where what I’m fucked if I know for sure. Too many drugs and girls.

      • You know my Dad died in 2009 but it still doesn’t seem that long ago in some respects….grief and the passing time are weird that way…. 😦

    • Thanks so much, dear Tessa. I’ve always appreciated your kind and encouragement, from one writer to another! πŸ™‚ Take care and (((hugs))) to you!

  6. Dyane – please extend my deepest sympathies to your husband, you and the rest if your family.

    • Thanks very much, Vic – I definitely will let Craig know of your kindness; I know how much you value family and truly understand the magnitude of such a loss. I hope your having a good Labor Day, my friend, and I’ll catch up on your blog soon. It looks like the past few posts were “oldies-but-goodies” – am I right?

      • Labor Day was relaxing. Just git back home, so should be posting something new tomorrow. Oldies but goodies for the last few days.

        Take care!!

    • Thanks, lovely one – it helps me to know I have friends like you “out there”, but more accurately in my heart. Sorry to be a bit off the radar with Bipolar1Blog but you know I’ll come back to it – I always do!!! XOXOXOX

    • Wow roughghosts – it’s always an honor to see you here and the fact you took time to comment really made me feel good….and it continues to do so! πŸ™‚ Take good care; I’m always wishing you well! Dyane

    • Many, many thanks – I’m always grateful to hear from you and especially during a difficult time such as this one. (((Big))) hugs to you, beautiful mama!

  7. Dear Dyane, I am so sorry for your loss. My sister was an alcoholic. Like you, she quit cold turkey. I was in awe of her. Sadly, she passed away, much too young (71) of throat cancer. You are right, it is a cruel bitch of a disease! Thanks for your blog.

    • Hi there Marilyn, and thank you so much for your kind words – I’m so sorry about the loss of your sister; throat cancer sounds like such a horrific way to pass on – I can’t imagine. Good for your sister for quitting alcohol cold turkey – she must have been a remarkable woman! And she was lucky to have *you* – a loving sister in awe of her! I’m honored you visited my blog. Take care – I send you my very best, warmest wishes.

    • Thank you, Vincent. Please keep those good thoughts coming and I’ll send you some good thoughts too! I’m into escaping today – books, tv’s, playing with Lucy, and basically vegging out. I’m so glad I don’t have to be at an office (where I held my former, misc. jobs) and pretend to be chipper! Thank God! hope your day is going well!!!

    • Thank you Michelle – your prayers are powerful (they’re for the SuperMommy, after all…) and on a more serious note, I’m honored you’ll include us!!! much love to you and yours always, Dy

    • So great to hear from you – yes, Neil (and Tim!!!!) – you know how much their voices/words/melodies have helped me over the years. Thanks for reaching out; it really was wonderful to receive your comment!

    • Thank you, sweetness – just seeing your beautiful face on your Gravatar comforts my soul, and I know you have deep understand of grief. XOXOXO

  8. I am so sorry. I came over here from HerStories after your amazing comment there and I am just so sorry that your family is going through this loss.

    • Oh Nina, I’m so honored you stopped by my blog! I wish that I had a different post for you to see; i.e. one that wasn’t so sad, but I know you understand this is how life goes.

      As you and I are both Jewish, I was inspired to look up various words of comfort in the Jewish tradition.

      I came across this saying: ‘TenaαΈ₯amu Min HaShamayim – meaning
      May you be comforted from the heavens” which strikes me as particularly beautiful.

      While my brother-in-law was technically Catholic (not religious) he’d appreciate many of the Jewish faith’s tenets. I hope he has found comfort in Heaven at last.

      Once again, many thanks for your comment. It truly made my day! I’m one of your newest fans and I look forward to reading more Q&A’s on your insightful blog.

      take care, & warmest regards, Dyane Leshin-Harwood πŸ™‚

  9. Oh my goodness, I hope you are all going to be okay, death is never easy, and it’s especially nasty when it’s unexpected. I don’t like speaking for other people but in this case I would be surprised if I was wrong when I say we’re all here for you and supporting you from the sidelines. *hugs* and take care of yourself.

    • You are one of the biggest sweeties ever – I’m doing okay, but I’ll be honest; being around someone in deep grief is hard, especially if you’re like me and struggle with bipolar, PMS, PTSD, GAD and more crap I won’t even go into here! πŸ˜‰

      You understand….I know you do. You can speak for me anytime, my friend, because you’re right as rain here!!!! I know you’re there for me. Much love to you, beautiful! XOXOXO

  10. I’m so sorry for your and Craig’s loss. Thinking of your family as you grieve for Don. Sending love.

    • Thanks so much, Barbara!!!!! You’re so kind to let us know we’re in your thoughts. I hope you and the family are doing well!!! Much love, Dyane p.s. what’s Ocean Grove Writers? πŸ™‚ Sounds intriguing!

  11. I have not been connected much over the last number of weeks on wordpress but am sorry to log in and read this post. Please let us know if you need anything. Grief and loss triggers me intensely. I struggle during dark times, times of loss to maintain a somewhat stable state. hugs and prayers for you and your family during this difficult time!

    • Thank you so much! Your words brought me comfort because you understand how grief & loss truly are triggers….it’s hard to believe that not everyone else feels this way! Sending you (((hugs)))!!!!!

    • Thanks for your kind, kind comment, Sharon! I’m so glad you’re back, especially after reading the post about your new editor! πŸ™‚

      Not to sound callous, but I’m not feeling very much grief about this loss, as sad as it is. Could be my meds numbing it too. But I wasn’t close to him – I saw him 1/x tops; and he wasn’t a blood relation. ( I hope God doesn’t strike me down for writing that!)

      However, my husband is extremely affected by this loss of his only brother, and while he’s doing very “well” on the surface, he’s burying a lot. I may suggest counseling to him.

      Thanks again for stopping by as I’m always buoyed by your insightful and encouraging comments!!!

      • Okay, not callous at all. How hard we grieve depends on many things, but if you didn’t know him well your feelings are likely to relate more to your husband’s sadness, the tragedy of loss in general, etc. Glad you are doing okay. And yes, my adorable (proud aunt) editor is doing a great job. I had to wait for him to move out of his parents’ (my brother’s) house into an apartment, and get a raise at one of his two jobs so he could quit working the other. But he’s now got more time and we are refocused on getting our book done and published. I’ll be blogging the behind the scenes stuff more frequently as we make progress.

      • Oh good, it’s comforting to hear your perspective on the the grief issue. I can’t wait for more posts about your book’s development! Are you gals on Twitter btw?

      • In good time, Sharon! It will all come together perfectly, and how awesome it is that you have technologically hip relatives at the ready! πŸ˜‰

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