I Love You Goodbye

Thomas Dolby singing “I Love You Goodbye” from Astronauts and Heretics,one of my all-time favorite albums.

Yesterday I woke up bright and perky only to find a bummer of a Facebook message in my in-box. It was from someone I had been virtual friends with for the past year. She lives with bipolar disorder, and for months I encouraged her from afar with tweets and Facebook messages, sometimes on a daily basis.  I took time to cheer her up by attaching photos of her favorite rock band U2 that I knew she’d enjoy.  

She messaged me, “As I’m sure you’ve noticed, you’re not on my FB or Twitter anymore. You have done nothing. I tend to take things too personally when I shouldn’t and just cut people off. I am struggling quite a bit right now. I’m just backing off of everything at the moment. I’m not expecting forgiveness or even friendship. I just felt the need to explain.”

First thought: F*ck this!  

Following thoughts: I knew all along she has been mentally unstable. I need to be compassionate and not take one bit of this personally!

I wrote her back a brief message and wished her well. I added that I’d be open for re-connecting in the future. (As I typed that line, a tiny red flag popped up in my people-pleasing brain and I thought, Whhhaaaat? You don’t want to be friends with this person! Ever! But I didn’t delete that line like I should’ve.)

I called a wonderful friend and she was willing to hash it out. She gave me tons of good advice, namely to let the whole thing go and it wasn’t about me. Because of that key conversation I was able to actually stop thinking about it the rest of the day. I thanked my lucky stars for this friend.

This morning half-awake, the aggravating Pisces/uber-sensitive part of me started ruminating about what happened the day before with the unfriending. I realized I DID take her actions personally – I wasn’t a robot, dammit! I had been kind to this person. 

The fact that I woke up upset by this crap is not good for me.  Sometimes we can’t predict another person’s toxic behavior and how it’ll affect us – I know I can’t. After mulling it over, I decided to block her on Facebook and Twitter so in the unlikely event she wants to be in touch again, I don’t get triggered down the line. It may sound selfish, but I would never feel safe with her after this, and let’s face it -s he’s “just” a virtual friend who lives thousands of miles away.  I’ve never even heard her voice.

There’s no happy way to end this post, so I won’t even try. But I’m going to go work out because I know it will make me feel better! 



30 thoughts on “I Love You Goodbye

  1. Yikes! I haven’t been on Facebook since January because it was just too stressful after an incident that was too triggering, I know exactly what you mean about constantly thinking about it when someone does something like that. I don’t seem to be doing it as much at the moment but a couple of months ago I would get shaky just reading Youtube comments or Twitter replies. I hope it fades out for you soon, without judgement, this person sounds like he’s put you in a really stressful situation. I hope you feel better after a workout. I am totally inspired to take a walk now…

  2. You are so sweet to take time to comment! It helped me!
    Many thanks for the speedy read & reply! 🙂

    I originally wasn’t going to post about this; I wanted to post something positive and/or funny. But blogging is so therapeutic, and I gave myself permission to go off. Also, I’m 99.9% positive that the person I mention isn’t going to read it. I know the bad, icky feelings will fade.

    This is a small fish…but I feel hurt all the same because I’m a bit of an empath. You are very wise to have taken a Facebook hiatus by the way. I might wind up doing that soon myself – I’ve been thinking about it before this incident happened. 🙂

    Thanks again and I’m so proud of *you*for taking that walk!
    I’m so happy to have started following your blog and I look forward to reading more posts soon. Have a great rest of your weekend….

  3. Even though the problem is definitely not you, it still stings doesn’t it, no matter how charitable you are being towards his underlying reasons for behaving this way. Especially when you have invested time into a person and they cut you off. I think anyone would be rather wtf about the whole thing, mental health condition or no.

    I started a Facebook hiatus recently and I wish I’d maintained it. You’ve inspired me to re-hiatus myself. Social media is a great thing but it can be so overwhelming. The most important thing is to focus on what makes you well and blocking someone who has the potential to stir up negativity in the future is a wise move. I hope you are feeling better 🙂

    • Dang, another beautiful comment! THIS is why I blog. For kindness from people like you & jasminehoneyadams….I’m so, so grateful to you both. I know you’re busy (I know that from reading your blog while I work out – hence my rarely commenting, forgive my sin!) so it means a lot to me you took time to share your thoughts.

      Long ago I used to be on FB, and then I deactivated my account. I stayed off it for years when I was super-depressed. But ironically when my depression lifted, I got totally into blogs and Facebook. I became addicted to Facebook but I was able to stop for an entire 2 weeks (ha ha, pathetic, no?) but really, I proved to myself I could do it!

      So you’re firing me up to give it another go. I’ll keep you posted here because it’ll be a big deal for me. 🙂 Thanks again, my dear! You brightened up my day!!

  4. Lady, now you have to share some of the tips you are using to work this out now. I am equally in a similar position and I am hurt that my offer of help is not being accepted as it once was. I even just want a communication line but it’s being evaded maybe because the depression has truly crept in? Oh lady it’s tough, because you try to put yourself in the other’s shoes (since we sometimes find ourselves in those shoes anyway), and yet you have to think of your own ‘sanity’. Do I stay indoors just because it’ll make the person happy if I did? and yet my own mind wants so much some fresh air? I hope and know you understand. I can’t go workout now, I am typing away and listening to music, and trying to reassure myself it’s definitely not my fault if this person no longer needs my help!

    • Marie, I’m writing to everyone here to ask y’all to please forgive me for taking a while to respond! I discovered I was unfriended AGAIN on Mother’s Day and that just drained me. The good news is that it got me to take a break off Facebook, so it was a blessing in disguise.

      I’m so sorry you’ve been in a similar position & that you’re hurt that your helpfulness is not being accepted with open arms as it used to be. Please, please protect yourself from what has been going on – you’re a giver too – you need to make yourself #1 Fairy Godmother Extraordinaire and (here’s the “kicker)”not feel guilty for it.

      You already tried to help, and your efforts were rebuffed. What matters is that you tried. I know you have one of the biggest, most loving hearts on the planet, and you need to protect that heart, so please remember it’s not your fault AT ALL!!! This person may very well *need*help but not *want* your help which is a big difference. Can you let go? I beseech you to take care of Sweet Marie!

      Love love love you!

      p.s. Looking forward to reading F2 by the way – F1 was a fabulous description of you – what an honor to have someone write that!!!!


      • Lady, yes it’s almost 24 hours since I last tried to check on this person ! I am breathing and just looking forward to survive 3 days without any communication ! I am aware right now that’s not my fault as I was told by same person ! I was just emotionally involved in the help I provided. Not just fb stuff u know! Well I have lots of projects of mine and time seems to be flying. I know you are pretty busy too and it’s ok to sometimes tune off some triggering social buzzes. I did same for fb and held on 2 years until I felt ready to come back! That was from 2011-2013. I also tampered twitter and the others should have stopped whinning by now. Yep, F2 – F4 are more like formular races. You’ll read for yourself my fair lady. Kudos in your writing, my regards to all esp Ms L 🙂

    • Thanks; it always helps to get your take on things.

      Will be writing you back via email too….it was really good to hear from you via email as well.

      I’m so fortunate you’re in my life – knowing you’re there helps me a great deal. Xo

  5. Focus on your success. Your writing is your priority. Protect yourself from others’ needs and others’ acting out. You cannot be all things to all people. (I’ve got to remind myself of this, as well.)

    • I plan on posting this comment on my bathroom mirror. 😉 No, I’m too lazy, otherwise I would do it as I honestly think visual affirmations on post-its or whatever may very well go into one’s subconscious & be effective…but I’m taking your words to heart because it’s spot-on, mega-perfect advice for me. And for you!

  6. This is a classic case of why I don’t have a Facebook page, people are too fickle. Then combine this with mental health issues…woooo…

    I know this is easier said than done, but why let it bother you? After all – even you admit it was virtual. You have your own life, tangible friendships and plenty of other things to keep your attention. Be mindful of what you can control!

    As always, take care!

    • Dear Vic, I;m sorry to take foooooever to respond. I waited to reply to everyone as I got so drained from this virtual drama. An unfriending happened yet again on Sunday, (!) so now I’m off Facebook for a while. Hurrah!

      You are WISE to not have a Facebook page! Let me write that again for the record: You are WISE!
      (Read my latest post to feel even more validated! You don’t need to, though!)

      I think that if I return to FB (which is a big “if” in my mind right now) I’d be extremely selective and only be friends with people I know well and trust, but I’m not going to worry about that for the time being.

      Thanks for more “Vic insights” – you really have always been spot-on with your perceptions, and I appreciate them so! I haven’t been around my beloved blogs as much the past couple weeks to like/comment, but I’ll return now that I have more free time thanks to being off Facebook! 😉

      be well, dear Vic! thanks again!

  7. HI Dyane! I know it’s been awhile, but your words are so relatable! I have discovered my people pleasing issues and I know this situation would be killing me on the inside. I am so proud of you for doing your best to overcome the situation, and I hope you feel better about it soon enough. And I know it’s been said, but it isn’t you, it sounds like this person needs more than any person could provide. Sending love ❤

    • HI Amanda – it’s great to see you back and to hear from you.

      Thanks so much for checking out this (yucky, icky) topic! I’m happy to be free of this person, and since I wrote this post I’m pleased to tell you that I deactivated Facebook and it felt healthy and *right*.

      While Facebook was a joy for a couple years, it stopped being one last week, that’s for sure, and I feel empowered by taking action.I found out that unfriended by someone else on Mother’s Day (not a good friend by any means, but someone who lives near me) so that was a sign to me to get the hell off! 😉 At least for a while….

      God knows that I won’t be able to always block out toxic and/or unhealthy people so cleanly in 30 seconds, but hey – I’m savoring the fact that I can do it this time around! :)))

      Sending you a big hug & I appreciate your support & true understanding! Hope you are doing well!
      XOXO Love right back to you!

  8. Good friends do not just abandon people by blocking them. That is in effect what he did. It is like a narcissistic discarding , abandonment. Then he said you did nothing wrong which is unclear and confusing communication.
    It may be some kind of manipulation on his part to manipulate you. If he puts you in fear of emotional retaliation when you do not “behave” by abandoning you once then when he takes you back into his graces…you will do whatever he wants out of fear of abandonment.
    I would break communication with him.
    It hurts but he could hurt you more later on.
    Sorry …I could not give you a more hopeful opinion but I would rather be truthful with you.
    I have been severely broken by a narcissist. You can watch some YouTube videos about narcissism.
    Self Csre Haven – Five powerful ways narcissists get into your head
    Spartan life coach -effects of narcissistic abuse

    • Dear Annie, forgive me for taking so long to reply. Both your comments were wonderful and helped me sort through my hurt feelings better…the person I wrote about wasn’t a good friend, but still, there was a connection, you know? I invested my time and energy into our virtual friendship. I agree that manipulation was involved, I was confused as hell, and he was a narcissistic type of person. Hopefully he’ll get the help he needs….I’m so sorry to learn that you were so hurt by a narcissist yourself, and I totally appreciate your honesty!

      You *totally* picked up on the exact same strange things that I picked up o as well, such as the gaslighting issue.

      Re: When wrote “As I am sure you have noticed…”” Yes, the fact that I hadn’t noticed anything as far as his unfriending & blocking and he wanted to make sure I knew he blocked, i.e., hurt me!

      That’s sick! I’m sooooo glad to be free of his toxic behavior!!!

      Sending you love and light – it’s truly wonderful to know there are loving voices of reason “out there” such as YOU! 🙂 XoXo Be well! And thanks again for “getting it” on all levels, I am so lucky to have your insights! Dyane

  9. I notice that he wrote “I felt the need to explain ” …but he actually did not explain anything. He is trying trick you into thinking that he explained. ..by telling you that he explained. If he did explain why he chose to cut you off in particular and not the other people …then what was the reason? I did not see any reason at all in his so called “explanation ”
    This is gaslighting.

    Also it bothered me that he wrote “As I am sure you have noticed…”
    That sounds very arrogant and grandiose.
    Why would he plan ahead of time for youv to “find out” that he blocked you, by going on your fb and finding out that way….and then send you the email afterwords?
    That is gaslighting too.

    • XOXOX Each time I see “vanbytheriver” I smile. (A real one!) 🙂 Thanks for getting it & for your support! Take care today.

    • Dear Van,

      I’ll be replying to your 2nd (exciting) comment on my latest post about “Somewhere in Time”, but I’m catching up with the older comments first. I’m pleased to tell you it’s Day # 2 of no Facebook & I don’t miss it!!! Not one bit!

      I know you could break up with it again too – you have the power! 😉
      As long as I have my blogs (and I must admit I enjoy Twitter as long as I don’t spend too much time on it) and email, that’s enough for right now.

      Have a good day – you rock! :

  10. I have had this happen a few times myself. I took it personally as well. How can you not. I had one say, I am trimming my list let me know if you want to stay in touch. I said yes. She cut me anyway. I find this happening mainly from the friends from the Bipolar group. I am slowly moving away from Facebook myself. I find a better community here in the blogs.

    • Hello dear Tessa – sorry for the late reply!

      Well, I took the plunge and deactivated Facebook Sunday night and I feel ***much*** better for it! It feels really good. A couple people emailed me or Twitter messaged me as they thought I had unfriended them, so I had to clarify & I felt bad they were freaked out; I wish Facebook would send out a message to everyone letting them know when you deactivate. Oh well. I’m sorry you too dealt with “virtual rejection” and took it personally like I did. You summed up your comment so beautifully and I couldn’t agree with you more: “I find a better community here in the blogs”! Me too!

      take care & (((hugs))) from Dyane

  11. Doesn’t sound like your “friend” was really much of a friend anyway. It was kind of you to try to reach out to him but you have to protect yourself emotionally. I would say blocking him was the right call.

    • Hey you! I’m one piece so that’s good.
      I want to catch up on your last few blogerooos, you prolific one.
      And oh yeah, I kind of need to finish writing my, erm, book.
      Come write it for me, you glorious Banshee Writer!
      (Ghosts are so mundane in comparison.)

  12. Pingback: The Unfriending | Birth of a New Brain

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